Been Rambling Again...

15th July, 2007 I wonder – aloud at times, silently at others… This place, this metropolitan city, which has been my home ever since I was born, seems to cage my spirit these days. It hurts. There was a time when this jungle of hard, concrete structures used to be home to me. But now, I call that home. That city where I’ve just spent five years of my life. Why is it that I feel stifled in Kolkata? Why do I feel as if something is amiss? What is this strong desire to break free? Which shackles do I want to break anyway? Pune was beauty… it brought me close to Mother Nature. Pune was freedom… I could do what I felt like. Pune was simple joys… it allowed us to live for the day. And Kolkata? Nature is unavailable here… there are no hills to climb in the city, no sunsets to admire by the lakes, no greenery filled temples to go to… Freedom is an alien word… every move is to be measured, every word is to be weighed, every action is expected to take into account the equal and opposite reaction… Joys, if any, are no longer simple… Sometimes aloud, silently at times – I wonder… What is it that I’ve lost? What is it that I am searching for? What is it that makes my heart ache? I’m with my family, my loved ones. I’m working in one of India’s biggest, richest, most famous brands. I’ve good colleagues and a superb boss. I’m earning a handsome amount. I’m planning for my future – house, car and all the luxuries that one can think of… and yet, I am unhappy?! When I sit and ponder, I feel I’ve lost the one thing that is the most important of all. The one thing, without which everything tastes bland – love. Pune taught me how to love with unrestrained passion. Something which Kolkata never has, and never will allow me to do. There are so many things to think about – love simply does not find a place among them. I wonder – silently at times, aloud at others… In today’s life, true love is naught but a compromise. It is just a give-n-take relationship, where both lose something to gain something – a business deal. Marriages are not made in Heaven any longer. They’re made right here, for considerations like money, status, and so many other things. “The boy is well-settled, and he’s the only son – there’s no harm in going out once. If you don’t like him, we’ll search for someone else!” If that someone else doesn’t suit you, then there’ll be a second someone else, then a third and a fourth and a fifth… some will be well-settled in the US, some will have rich parents, some will have some other plus point… what they all will be lacking is “love”. To put an end to the relationship with the man of my choice was my decision. I did so to make my family happy, and his too. But from where I’m standing today, I feel I had murdered my own happiness. I throttled my dreams and my hopes with my own hands. And that’s what I miss today – that love, companionship, happiness… something that, I know, will never come back to me… As much as I cry, as much as I scream my lungs out to ask him, “Come back… Please come back…” I know he will not. And nor will all the things that, once upon a time, used to make my day. I’ll continue to lead the rest of my life in this cage. I’ll never get what I’m searching for. Because true love happens only once in life, when you are not too busy counting your profits… And if you lose it once, it never comes back. Such is the price we pay for not listening to our hearts…