Tuhina was meticulously preparing herself for the evening. The apartment sparkled, and the dinner table was laid for two. Nothing could go wrong tonight. She couldn’t bear the thought of mistakes. She looked at the wall clock as it chimed 8:00 pm, and thought to herself, “It’s been more than 45 minutes. Where’s the damn guy?” She was waiting for the delivery guy, and was running out of time. She wanted to serve the dinner she had so lovingly prepared exactly at 8:30 pm.
She settled herself on the sofa, and re-read the letter she had been writing. It brought back those memories. Like sharp stabs of pain… and yet, she reminisced.
Tuhina was only a school going teenager when she was orphaned. Her parents had been quite well insured – the insurance companies informed her that she need not think of earning her luxuries, let alone survival, for a few years. The large sum of money didn’t quite mean anything to her. But to Raju Uncle, her father’s younger brother, it meant a great deal.
Raju Uncle tried every thing in his powers to lay his hands on the insurance money, but Tuhina’s Dad had chosen his lawyers very carefully. Raju Uncle realized soon enough that he would not be able to rob Tuhina of her property, and he wasted no further time in turning his back on her. Her mother had no living relatives.
How Tuhina battled on with life was a mystery even to her. She contemplated joining her parents almost every day, but then told herself to hold on. She completed schooling, and then graduation, with little support from the world. She had very few true friends, and no boyfriend, but she tried her best to stay oblivious to it. Her life seemed aimless, and yet, she lived. Starved of affection, incessantly ignoring the blaze of loneliness in her heart, Tuhina grew up.
Not every one appreciated Tuhina’s beauty. She was a startlingly pretty woman, but not in a conventional manner. It was in fact her dark eyes, which spoke volumes, and the curiously tilted smile on the corner of her lips, that made her so pretty. Whether these were the results of her hard life, or whether these were inheritances from her mother, no one could say! What one could say however is that, these were the precise things that Abhra noticed when he first saw her – and fell in love.
Abhra came into her life at a time when Tuhina had almost resigned herself to the fate of remaining alone for the rest of her life. All her friends had found their partners, and she’d not yet managed to have one affair! It was as if God had intended her to remain friendless and alone all her life. But then, she met Abhra.
Tuhina & Abhra’s backgrounds could not have been more different. Where Tuhina had led an almost deserted, neglected life, Abhra had been the life and soul of his family. It was this stark difference perhaps that brought the two of them together. Abhra loved and understood Tuhina like no one had ever done. She felt cherished and loved. Abhra even missed her if she was away for too long. For the first time in her life, Tuhina found happiness. She felt as if she truly belonged. She felt Abhra had made her dreams come true.
It wasn’t difficult for Abhra to convince his parents about his choice of bride – Tuhina wasn’t poor, unqualified or ugly. Abhra and Tuhina’s wedding was fixed for December 17, 2008.
Tuhina’s happiness knew no bounds – she was about to marry the man she loved and get a family of her own – in short, everything that she’d ever wanted!
It was a phone call in the early hours of October 5, 2008 that changed every thing. Abhra met with an accident, and didn’t survive to see the next sunrise. Tuhina’s dreams came crashing down around her.
It took Tuhina a long time to really comprehend what that phone call had meant. But today, she was wiser. Today, sitting alone at a table for two, she knew that it had meant she would never belong anywhere. It had meant there was no one left in the world to love or cherish her. It had meant she was all alone, once again, in this big, bad world. From now on, there would be no comforting arms around her, no gentle lips would kiss away her tears, no soothing voice would calm her fears down…
The tinkling sound of the bell brought Tuhina back to reality. She opened the door and the delivery guy handed her a bottle of sparkling red liquid – a bottle of wine. She paid the guy, and turned back to the sofa. She poured out two glasses of wine, and emptied the contents of a packet in one of them. She toasted an invisible companion, and then drank deeply. The effect was instantaneous – she felt drowsy, and all her thoughts began to drift away. But no, Tuhina had one last thing to do. Slowly, she picked up her pen, and put down today’s date on the letter:
17th December 2008.
Tuhina smiled. Now she could sleep peacefully. Now she knew, tomorrow she would wake up in the arms of Abhra, her sweetheart, and they would enjoy the sunrise with her Dad and Mom.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Loss
Posted by Unknown at 12:29 am 0 comments
Labels: My Compositions
Friday, February 29, 2008
Unnamed Agonies...
Posted by Unknown at 12:49 am 0 comments
Labels: My Compositions
The Confession… A Short Story
Sneha started telling Armaan about the letter at a very vulnerable moment. Although she knew it wasn’t necessary: Armaan would forgive her anyway. No, she was not afraid of losing him. It was just that she felt like talking about it at that very time, when she was confident that Armaan would give her the best of what he had.
Armaan was shocked. She’d expected that. But she also knew that he would not judge her until she told him everything. So she expected the astounded silence to be followed by a spate of questions. And she was right.
“Why Sneha?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I wasn’t thinking straight. Or maybe I wasn’t thinking at all… I myself don’t know why I did it…”
“What happened?”
“Well…
As she started telling him all about it, Sneha felt herself transported back to the first days of her friendship with Somesh. If she said that his friendship was not dear to her, Sneha would be lying. Somesh was a very nice guy, and the two of them had much in common. Sneha enjoyed his company immensely. She cared for him. And she liked him a lot.
But that was it. She liked him purely as a friend.
Initially, his sentiments towards Sneha were also the same. Somesh and Sneha had spent some truly memorable times with each other. They both loved being together. Over the time, though, Somesh changed. Sneha realized that he just wasn’t the same friendly guy any more. The hints of wanting something more than just friendship grew quite insistent, but she chose to ignore the intuitive signals that were gnawing at her heart. She did not want to lose his friendship. More importantly, she did not want to hurt him. Distraught, she started searching for ways to tell him that they had no future together.
It was not as if Somesh did not know about Armaan. She’d told him about Armaan on countless occasions: about how much she loved him, about how badly she missed him, and about what Armaan meant to her.
But somehow, Somesh just could not control the desires of his heart. He did not want to cause a crack in her relationship with Armaan. But at the same time, he could not help expressing his desire for her.
Armaan asked her why she did not severe all contacts with Somesh at that point. Sneha could not explain. She loved Somesh in her own way. She was not someone who befriended people easily, and once befriended, she could not let go of them easily. And Somesh was a very adored, loved and cherished friend of hers. She did not want to lose him. She did not want to hurt him, for fear of losing him.
She could not say “yes” to him, because she was already madly in love with Armaan. She could not make her “no” firm enough either, because it broke her heart to disappoint him.
Gradually, Sneha’s twin desires had begun to wear her out. Somesh started losing his cool too. So they fought – over things that appeared small to him, but were significant to her… over things which were trivial to her, but utterly important to him. Where there was a sweet, understanding friendship between the two, there now reigned only animosity and misunderstandings. Where there was happiness, anger and heartache held sway. And then came a time when they both started ignoring, avoiding each other.
The physical distances between them did nothing to improve matters. Sitting in two different corners of the country, they virtually had no way of sorting things out. For all the help that cell phones and emails were, they usually managed to convey quite different meanings than what was intended. When communication between them came to a stand still for months at a stretch, Sneha actually thought that their friendship had come to an end. There was no hope of reviving it. But she wanted to give it one last shot.
With great trepidation, but a faint ray of hope in her heart, Sneha decided to meet him for one last time, in a last ditch attempt to save the friendship. Quite to her surprise though, Somesh spoke to her like old times, and together they planned a dinner at his place. She could not deny it – Sneha was ecstatic!
Things went on quite smoothly during the dinner. Much to her joy, Sneha found the old fun and companionship back in their friendship. Soon, the watch lay forgotten by their side, and they were swapping tales like old times! She did not even realize that it was well past mid night, and that she was supposed to have left long back. When she did notice the time, it was too late to leave.
In fact, she would not have noticed the time still, had it not been for the sudden change in Somesh’s behaviour. Subtle, yet certain. Her heart skipped a beat. She tried to bring the situation back to normalcy, but by then, the air had changed. At that moment, Sneha knew that it was hopeless, that she had no power to stop him tonight.
He said he did not want her just out of physical desire. It was “the way he felt” for her. And that he was just listening to his heart, not logic. That he himself didn’t know what he wanted out of this, or whether he should term this to be a one-night-stand. And also that she should not submit to him just because he wanted her.
There was so much that she wanted to tell Somesh at that moment. But words failed her. She could never give voice to her feelings for Somesh. But she wanted to tell Armaan, for she knew that Armaan loved her far, far beyond what Somesh did. And Armaan wouldn’t judge her. He would understand.
Why did she give in to Somesh, even though she did not want to? Why did she do something that was squarely against her lifelong principles? She didn’t know how to justify or defend what she did, or what happened that night. She didn’t even know whether it was right or wrong. She just knew that she had breached her own principles. She had broken her beloved Armaan’s trust. Yet, her heart felt no burden of guilt… She had, indeed, listened to her heart. And her heart had told her that she should make Somesh happy, just this once.
So she allowed him to pleasure her.
But from the moment he touched her, she felt violated. She could not respond to his strokes, his caresses or his kisses… she felt no desire for him, no pleasure in what she was doing. And yet, she did not ask him to let go of her. He stroked her, caressed her and kissed her some more, and took every pleasure that she had to offer to a man. And it felt like a dream-come-true experience to Somesh… but for Sneha, it was a nightmare.
But she allowed him. She thought that once it was over, she could get him out of her system… she thought she’d no longer think about it. But that was not to be. Day in and day out, she found herself thinking about that night, the injustice she’d done to Armaan. And about Somesh’s voice, dripping with love. Somesh’s words rang in her ears. The burden of guilt weighed upon her at times… at others, her heart was full of a light feeling, much like the one which invades the heart when you do something good.
Torn between the plethora of emotions, Sneha realized that if she were to retain her sanity, she would have to tell Armaan about the night of passion with Somesh, and tell Somesh about why exactly she had done whatever she did that night.
She knew talking to Somesh would make things a lot more difficult. So she wrote a letter to him. And Armaan… she could talk to. So, here she was, pouring her heart out to Armaan.
“I’m sorry Armaan… I know what I did was wrong. But I could not stop myself. Perhaps I was weak, perhaps I wasn’t thinking straight… I know I could’ve stopped him if I wanted to… but I could not. I’m sorry about that”, Sneha pleaded. “Will you please forgive me Armaan? You know I love you and only you…”
Armaan could not speak… Sneha’s tear streaked face was looking up at him… Her eyes were full of an unspoken fear of losing him, her trembling lips pleading for his reassuring kiss…
He loved her. And at that moment, he loved her a lot more.
“I can’t deny that I’m shocked Sneha… but I can’t also deny that I’d perhaps be a lot more upset if you hadn’t told me this yourself. But are you sure that you don’t feel anything for Somesh?”
“Of course not Armaan. He’s just a friend. I love you Armaan, only you…”
At that precise moment, Armaan chose to put all her fears to rest. He gently wrapped her in his arms, slowly wiped the tears from her soft, pink cheeks, and started to kiss her trembling lips, as if to say, “I love you Sneha… and I can’t live without you…”
Posted by Unknown at 12:37 am 0 comments
Labels: My Compositions
The Letter… A Short Story
Dear Somesh,
For quite sometime now, I’ve been debating with myself. Should I bare my heart to you? Or should I keep it to myself, all that I want you to know? You always endorse following the heart, don’t you? So here you go – I’m following my heart, and writing to you.
You already know I want to talk about that night of passion we shared, don’t you? Good – I can skip the painful introductions…
I had so much to tell you that night. At every stage, at every point, I wanted to speak my mind out, but I bit those words back… Frankly, it is not at all clear to me too why I chose silence. Maybe I should actually have spoken.
Nevertheless, better late than never.
There is something that I’ve always wanted to ask you. What is it exactly that you feel for me? Your feelings for me have confused me for long. Would you term it as love? Or is it just a weakness, or maybe a soft corner? Or is it a mere physical desire? You mentioned that night, “its not just sex”. Then what is it really? You meant you feel something special for me. What is it that you feel?
I could sense you emanating a pulsing desire for me. I knew it was coming ever since you had started inching closer to me, and Heaven knows I was feeling as helpless as a kitten at that time. Possibly you’ve never realized, but at times like this, when you feel that “something special” for me, your body language, your way of speaking to me, your way of looking at me – everything changes. Your voice oozes love, and you talk to me as if you want to engulf me in your arms. If I can feel it from your voice, can you imagine how strong those vibes must be?!
You were right in a way – I couldn’t sleep because of you. Those strong vibes emanating from your persona were actually forcing me to keep awake. You were snuggling into my shoulder, wrapping your arm around my waist, entwining your legs with mine – I could not really have slept, could I? I was feeling the slow but certain progress, but I just could not understand how to dam it.
I did try to hold myself back. I stopped you once. But your dismayed, pained withdrawal pierced my heart. You will not understand why I feel bad whenever I rebuff you and your advances. You perhaps don’t even believe that I do feel bad while doing such things. But the truth is that I’m not made of stone.
I count very few people as my friends – and those whom I do count as friends, mean a lot to me. I love my friends a lot. As I’ve told you earlier, and I’m telling you again – I count you as a friend. Nobody likes hurting or disappointing a person he/she loves. If your beloved best friend asks for something, and you can’t give it to him, you won’t be feeling too happy about it, will you? I too don’t feel like denying you what you want. It hurts me to hurt you again and again.
To add to my woes, you felt that sleeping on different beds would be the best solution. Was that your idea of tying to make me feel better? Honestly, I felt it was your way of striking an open wound. I was already feeling terrible about having pushed you away so mercilessly, and your actions suggested that you feel I don’t trust you!
I wondered, and I still do: why did you want to make love to me that night? “It’s not just about sex. It’s the way I am feeling about you right now.” I so wanted to ask you, “What is it that you feel for me?” For you have told me earlier that you don’t “love” me. Then what is it that you feel for me that makes you want to make love to me?
I have always felt that you never wanted a “one-night-stand” with me. You desired much, much more – and something much more lasting.
But you knew that we don’t have a future together. Was it because of this knowledge that you wanted this to be a one-night-stand? You did not answer that question. All you said was that at times, we should just listen to our hearts, and not seek answers to everything. And that “it’s not just about sex”.
When you asked my permission the second time to go ahead, I could only tell you not to have any further expectations. I could not stop you. I did not have the heart to deny that permission. For once, I really wanted to make you happy. Remember you asked if I was letting you have your way with me only because you wanted it? To a certain extent, it was actually because of your desires that I gave in, but to a certain extent it was for me too.
I am happily in love with someone else, and you know that. Of course, I wouldn’t want to have a relationship, or even a one-night-stand, with anyone else. But I gave in to you, and I allowed you to have me for the night, even though I knew I would never be able to enjoy it. And I don’t feel guilty about it. Do you know why?
Let’s go back to the example of your beloved best friend asking for something from you, which you can’t give him. What is the next best thing that you will do for him? You’ll try to make it up by doing something else, or giving something else to him, just to make him feel somewhat better.
That one night of passion was the next best thing that I could offer you.
It is after all a man’s love that makes a woman beautiful. And as much as it may hurt you, I’m beautiful because of Armaan. You know that.
Your friend,
Sneha
Posted by Unknown at 12:30 am 0 comments
Labels: My Compositions
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
The Letter… A Short Story
| Dear Somesh, For quite sometime now, I’ve been debating with myself. Should I bare my heart to you? Or should I keep it to myself, all that I want you to know? You always endorse following the heart, don’t you? So here you go – I’m following my heart, and writing to you. You already know I want to talk about that night of passion we shared, don’t you? Good – I can skip the painful introductions… I had so much to tell you that night. At every stage, at every point, I wanted to speak my mind out, but I bit those words back… Frankly, it is not at all clear to me too why I chose silence. Maybe I should actually have spoken. Nevertheless, better late than never. There is something that I’ve always wanted to ask you. What is it exactly that you feel for me? Your feelings for me have confused me for long. Would you term it as love? Or is it just a weakness, or maybe a soft corner? Or is it a mere physical desire? You mentioned that night, “its not just sex”. Then what is it really? You meant you feel something special for me. What is it that you feel? I could sense you emanating a pulsing desire for me. I knew it was coming ever since you had started inching closer to me, and Heaven knows I was feeling as helpless as a kitten at that time. Possibly you’ve never realized, but at times like this, when you feel that “something special” for me, your body language, your way of speaking to me, your way of looking at me – everything changes. Your voice oozes love, and you talk to me as if you want to engulf me in your arms. If I can feel it from your voice, can you imagine how strong those vibes must be?! You were right in a way – I couldn’t sleep because of you. Those strong vibes emanating from your persona were actually forcing me to keep awake. You were snuggling into my shoulder, wrapping your arm around my waist, entwining your legs with mine – I could not really have slept, could I? I was feeling the slow but certain progress, but I just could not understand how to dam it. I did try to hold myself back. I stopped you once. But your dismayed, pained withdrawal pierced my heart. You will not understand why I feel bad whenever I rebuff you and your advances. You perhaps don’t even believe that I do feel bad while doing such things. But the truth is that I’m not made of stone. I count very few people as my friends – and those whom I do count as friends, mean a lot to me. I love my friends a lot. As I’ve told you earlier, and I’m telling you again – I count you as a friend. Nobody likes hurting or disappointing a person he/she loves. If your beloved best friend asks for something, and you can’t give it to him, you won’t be feeling too happy about it, will you? I too don’t feel like denying you what you want. It hurts me to hurt you again and again. To add to my woes, you felt that sleeping on different beds would be the best solution. Was that your idea of tying to make me feel better? Honestly, I felt it was your way of striking an open wound. I was already feeling terrible about having pushed you away so mercilessly, and your actions suggested that you feel I don’t trust you! I wondered, and I still do: why did you want to make love to me that night? “It’s not just about sex. It’s the way I am feeling about you right now.” I so wanted to ask you, “What is it that you feel for me?” For you have told me earlier that you don’t “love” me. Then what is it that you feel for me that makes you want to make love to me? I have always felt that you never wanted a “one-night-stand” with me. You desired much, much more – and something much more lasting. But you knew that we don’t have a future together. Was it because of this knowledge that you wanted this to be a one-night-stand? You did not answer that question. All you said was that at times, we should just listen to our hearts, and not seek answers to everything. And that “it’s not just about sex”. When you asked my permission the second time to go ahead, I could only tell you not to have any further expectations. I could not stop you. I did not have the heart to deny that permission. For once, I really wanted to make you happy. Remember you asked if I was letting you have your way with me only because you wanted it? To a certain extent, it was actually because of your desires that I gave in, but to a certain extent it was for me too. I am happily in love with someone else, and you know that. Of course, I wouldn’t want to have a relationship, or even a one-night-stand, with anyone else. But I gave in to you, and I allowed you to have me for the night, even though I knew I would never be able to enjoy it. And I don’t feel guilty about it. Do you know why? Let’s go back to the example of your beloved best friend asking for something from you, which you can’t give him. What is the next best thing that you will do for him? You’ll try to make it up by doing something else, or giving something else to him, just to make him feel somewhat better. That one night of passion was the next best thing that I could offer you. It is after all a man’s love that makes a woman beautiful. And as much as it may hurt you, I’m beautiful because of Armaan. You know that. Your friend, Sneha |
Posted by Unknown at 2:33 am 0 comments
Labels: My Compositions
Friday, March 23, 2007
Reality Bites…
23rd March, 2007
I met my best friend after so many years today - and I was so excited about it! Differences in our careers, cities, etc. had been keeping us apart for quite some time… For two people who used to talk almost every day for hours together, not being in touch for over four years is a big deal. And well, today I intended to tell him a lot of things! He told me he’d something special to share with me too, but as much as I kept pestering him, he’d not divulged a word about this ‘secret’! I was curious, and I was scared… I had my fingers crossed…
On my way to the appointed place, my thoughts flew back to my school days. The first time I met him, he was just another face in the crowd. In fact, I’d not even noticed him. My friends dared me to go up and speak to him! He was such a quiet and reserved guy that I was a bit hesitant – but then, it was my honor at stake! So, I went up to him and offered my hand in friendship – and he coolly accepted it! After that, we kept meeting through common friends, outside our school, near our homes, etc. Slowly, we became good friends…
We always had fun at each other’s expense, pulled each other’s legs and irritated each other! We never seemed to agree upon anything – be it some grave political issue or the flavor of ice-cream! We always ended up fighting, to the extent that normal conversations were deemed to be an aberration! The years flew by, but nothing changed. Our friends knew we were very close and teased us incessantly – all of them seemed to think that the two of us were dating each other, and we were just not admitting to it! We’d blush and brush these suggestions away, but still keep fighting! Things reached such an extent that my day would be incomplete without fighting with him. If I didn’t talk to him for even a day my heart would not be in whatever I did. I attributed it to the fact that I did not have my daily quota of fights, and staunchly rebutted the allegations of my friends that I’d grown fond of him.
Unknown to me, he crept into my heart and made a permanent den for himself there. I never realized what I felt for him… So when finally the time came for me to say goodbye to him, for I was to leave our native city to go for higher education, I did not even bother to take his contact details. I thought, what the heck, I can live without him…
When I settled down in the new city where I had joined my new college, I made a lot of new friends. But somehow, I sorely missed him in my life. His place could not be taken by anyone… I realized for the first time how much he meant to me. I wished I had his contact details… I wanted to say so much to him, I wanted to tell him that I’d fallen in love with him, but I didn’t know how to convey my feelings. Every night, I cried myself to sleep, because I missed fighting with him, I missed pulling his leg, I missed irritating him – I missed doing all those things which apparently were done only to irritate each other, but the real reason behind doing them was that it was the only way I knew to convey my feelings to him. He was my best friend, but I also realized that I had unknowingly, unconsciously fallen in love with him.
I wished he was there, in front of me so that I could tell him how I felt, but he was not. There wasn’t even a day, an hour when I didn’t think of him. My new friends realized that there was something eating me from inside, and kept pestering me. Once they found out about him, some suggested finding out his whereabouts, but I didn’t want to. I was happy to be in love, but I didn’t want to think that there were two possibilities – he might love me, but he might not, too. I was happy that I was in love… it was a beautiful feeling. There were times when I terribly missed the sharing, the companionship, the sweet nothings that people in love felt and enjoyed. But I thought I could do without them. He was always there in my thoughts, and what better companionship could I ask for?
Slowly, painfully, time passed, and finally I came back home. Through the years I had heard bits and pieces of news about him. But I wanted to see him again, to hear all about him in his own words… I wanted to hear that he’d missed me as much as I’d missed him… I wanted to hear that he loves me as much as I love him… So, I called at his home, and found out his whereabouts. I was delighted to find him at home, and he sounded delighted to hear from me too – and that was enough for me! This meeting was his suggestion, and I readily agreed to it…
When I finally reached the restaurant where we’d fixed our meeting up, I found him already waiting for me. The very sight of him sent my heart into a spin! God, I loved him so much… I had so much to tell him! His face lit up as he saw me, and very soon we got talking and fighting like old times!
And then, suddenly, he turned serious. He said there was something that he wanted to tell me… something in his face bade ill, but I tried my best to ignore the creeping chill in my heart. But fate seems to have different plans for me – for he told me that he’s in love…
My heart broke. The rational side of me knew that since I had never told him how I felt, I should accept what happened. But my heart cried. While he described exactly how he felt for her, and how much he loved her, I felt as if someone had sliced my heart up… As much as I tried, I couldn’t keep a straight face, and I think he noticed it too – for he faltered, and after some time, changed the topic.
When I got back home, after spending the whole day putting up a smiling face for people around me, who evidently failed to notice that my heart was heavy with unrequited love and unsaid words, I fell into my bed with tears streaming down my face.
I know I’ve to face reality. I’ve to face life. He’s my first love and will always be, but I realized that life has other things in store for me. In any case, he’s happy with the girl he loves, and he deserves to be loved by her. I cannot cause misery to the one I love by imposing myself upon him, or even by telling him how much I love him, or how I feel about him… My love may be one-sided, but it is true love – and true love values the happiness of the loved one more.
I know that mine is not a lost love; it will always be there in my heart. If it has survived for a decade, it will last forever, as long as I live. It’s just that I have to move ahead in life, in a different direction, away from him. Life has much more to offer. I do want to move on, be happy and maybe meet someone, someday, whom I would love and who’d love me too. It’s tough, it’s difficult, but I’m ready. I’m ready to face life, to face reality.
Posted by Unknown at 12:16 am 0 comments
Labels: My Compositions
Sunday, March 18, 2007
The Story of Pearl…
18th March, 2007
Someone once said, "Life is not a Bed of Roses", and so right it is!!!
No, I’m not going to tell you anything about how difficult life has become in the modern world... I don't like sermons - whether I am the one giving it, or I'm at the receiving end - I find them pure wastage of time. (I’m not talking about Fathers and Churches and Masses here - I am just talking about normal daily-life sermons...)
We, however, find ourselves listening to sermons everywhere - from our teachers, parents, guardians, over-protective friends, life-partners (past, present and future!!) and in extreme cases, from people we don't even know (ever got a sermon from a Good Samaritan, because you weren't crossing the road properly? Well, I did... He did not give a damn about why possibly I was so lost as to be crossing the road like a mad-woman - all he cared about is the sermon... And no, he DID NOT have a care about my safety - it wouldn’t make any difference to him if I died or hurt myself, take it from me)
Anyway, getting back to the point - sermons - I don't like them, and I'm not about to write one out... No, I just wanted to write to help ease my pain a bit...
I have always prided myself upon my ability to recognise people fast. Instinct, some would call it. I call it God’s gift to me. It helps me tell who's trustworthy, and who's not... and it’s generally right. But this one time, I chose to ignore it, and I have been woefully, woefully wrong in doing that... Never in my life have I found myself so deceived, and so broken...
For quite some time now, I've been used to staying all alone, fending for myself. I have learnt much in these years, in this short but hard life that I’ve led. One of them is to trust my first instincts... and the other is that friendship, more often than not, is done only with a motive in mind. If I have something to offer, the person in front of me will gladly be my 'friend'. If not, I can get lost. That’s the way it works. But with Pearl, I somehow forgot both my lessons – and God helped me revise them!
Don’t quite know how, but I foolishly thought I'd found a "friend" in Pearl who's different from the lot. A friend who was not by my side only because I could offer something, but because I meant something. How terribly silly I was... How could I even think that all those times we've been together through thick and thin was because of selfless friendship? Why did it take me so much time to discover that I did not really mean a thing to that person? I don’t quite know…
When I first met Pearl, my instinct told me that here was a person who wants fame/recognition at any cost. Here was a person who would do anything to be a name to be reckoned with. Here was someone, who is best avoided... So much for my wisdom! I recklessly disregarded my instinct and befriended Pearl. Things went on smoothly enough... and I told myself, well, after all, I was wrong about Pearl! Sitting up there, God must have had a hearty laugh at my cost that day! Or at least, there must’ve been a smug smile on His face! After all, He did do His bit in warning my instincts! The fact that I chose to ignore His warnings is my fault really, not His!
But then, God is kinder than we blame Him to be! He usually lets you wade out into murky waters, but saves you when you are close to drowning. And the same happened to me...
Completely by chance, I discovered the truth about Pearl. Oh, the pain of it all… the humiliation and the sorrow… I felt as if my heart would explode with grief… This was the person I trusted explicitly? This was the person I had spoken my mind to? There were no words which could console my lamenting heart…
People today come and tell me about things that Pearl has told them about me – things which only Pearl would know, or would be able to cook up. Pearl has lied to me when I showed implicit trust. Pearl has mercilessly lied about my reputation, character and life to the same people, about whom Pearl’s grudges knew no bounds. My heart is broken, because the one person I had opened myself up to, was Pearl.
But no matter - I've got to know the truth at last. I was faced with the truth late, after several years of our “friendship”, but it’s not too late. I still have the option of saving myself from further defamation, embarassment and heartache. I have been vilified far and wide, but the people who’ve heard all that know the truth about the speaker, and in the end, it’s Pearl's reputation at stake, not mine.
And there, God proves his existence to me once again... I know the lesson was a harsh one, but I also know why God made this happen to me. It was because he wanted to remind me once again that my first instinct should be trusted, and He made sure I’d not forget the lesson again... My instinct is His gift to me, and has never let me down so far, and now I know that it never will!
My pain... yeah, it's reduced. It's not possible for me to forget the entire thing, but I'll forgive. I'll take time, but I will get up, put the shattered pieces of my heart together, and once again get on with life... And now that I've said it, I find that it’s really not as difficult as I made it out to be! Life's not easy, but hey, it's not that difficult either!!!
Posted by Unknown at 3:46 am 0 comments
Labels: My Compositions
Saturday, March 10, 2007
The Price of Love…
10th March, 2007
Once upon a time there lived a very sweet, somewhat naïve, emotional little girl… She looked at the big bad world with her beautiful dark eyes and thought in her lovely little mind, “Oh, surely this beautiful place cannot be as bad as it is made to sound… Man is God’s most wonderful creation, and I’m sure God would not have created anything evil!” And so, she stubbornly decided to disregard all that she’d been told and decided to trust all men and women she came across. Above all, she trusted God. Her parents, who loved and cared for her, warned her of the dangers of being so naïve, but to no avail. Even the gruesome examples of people who had dared to tread the path of love before her failed to deter her. She wanted to win against all odds.
Alas… She did not learn the easy way…
But God seemed to have His own ways to teach the little girl that life in this world is not half as beautiful, half as picture perfect as He Himself had envisaged it… It is a rough world, where soft souls like her have no place, where the word ‘trust’ has no value. And so, He taught her the lessons of life the hard way – she fell prey to her own soft nature, and in return numerous heart breaks awaited her… while she loved all those whom she thought to be her own, those very people (quite a few among them were family members) forgot all relations and ties, and repaid her by exploiting her, using her for their own selfish desires and needs…
And still, she did not learn…
Slowly, she grew up from a sweet little girl to a wonderful innocent lass. However, in spite of all the hard times she’d had, she refused to mend her ways. She trusted people without a thought, she loved them without a care… In fact, she trusted the world when she should have trusted herself, she listened to her naïve heart when she should have listened to the more practical mind… She held her hand out to help all and sundry, sometimes to her own detriment, and those same people who got themselves out of very sticky spots indeed with her help, very thoughtfully, labeled her a ‘thief’, a ‘bitch’, an ‘opportunist’…
And still, she did not learn…
And then, one day she found that she’d grown up to be a pretty young woman. In no time, she fell in love with a young man whom she thought to be just perfect… She could not find any faults with him! It was difficult for her to find faults with anyone at all and this was, of course, the one she loved! Never, even for once, did she stop to think and reflect about the more practical aspects of life, and blindly plunged into a marriage – she thought, true love can overcome all hurdles. What she did not think was that in today’s world, the expression “true love” is nothing but a euphemism. Quite predictably, when her “picture-perfect” marital home showed unmistakable signs of cracking, her perfect husband and his family very kindly attributed it to her various inefficiencies – she’d been a terrible wife! So what if she’d given up all her ambitions to make the marriage work, so what if she never attended to her own desires and needs because they clashed with his, the blame is still hers…
And still, she did not learn…
She thought she’d live the rest of her life with the support of her own will power, the goodness of her heart… She still loved all those around her, extended her help to all those who needed it… But even that was not acceptable to the cruel world… In return of all the love she showered, society called her a “failed woman”, who’s desperate to gain “sympathy” to cover up for her own fallacies… They taunted and tortured her to no ends, till she was forced to withdraw from all company, and die alone, a recluse…!
This is the story of a wonderful, pretty and strong woman, who learnt at last, after repeated “failures” all through her life, that life isn’t “picture-perfect”. Life is not the beautiful thing that God meant it to be. Life is not easy to be lived if you choose to tread on the path of love…
We, the society, finally made her learn it, and we, the society, made sure that she learnt it the hard way…
Posted by Unknown at 9:10 pm 2 comments
Labels: My Compositions
Monday, February 26, 2007
“Easier said than done”…
26th February, 2007
What do you do when a person, whom you consider to be a very good friend of yours, suddenly decides he wants you to be his life partner???
When two summers back a chance meeting with him bloomed into a beautiful friendship, I felt wonderful… the long chats, the cute leg-pullings, the sweet times spent together… I ignored all those who told me that the "friendship" was going too far, and that soon it won’t remain "just a friendship" at all!! I stoically maintained that he’s just a good friend, and I enjoy the time I spend with him, so nothing else matters… and I thought he felt just the same about it.
Slowly but surely, however, I started realizing that indeed, the innocent "friendship" had led him to believe something else… he had started assuming things, and they definitely were not accurate. Of course, he never made any moves towards me, never misbehaved, never took any undue advantage of me, even when I was utterly defenseless, and alone with him… not even so much as trying to hold my hands. I respected him very much for that. But his behaviour, his way of conducting himself made me more and more uneasy. He started behaving as if I was his girlfriend, and jokingly even mentioned that to me a few times… I always pointedly rebuffed his attempts, but somewhere deep down, I felt bad doing it, because I knew I’d spent some truly memorable times with him… I could understand that he could not help having these feelings – one doesn’t have control over the doings of his heart – but when he failed to conceal his feelings for me even in public, I knew I had to take control. People laughed at his helplessness, I defended him… my friends made fun of his feelings, I stopped them… but I knew this couldn’t go on. I had to rebuff him, and I did that for his own good – I hated it when people laughed and poked fun at him. He is, after all, a good friend of mine, and I care for him…
But even my repeated rebuffs failed to tackle the problem. He had grown fond of me, I saw that in his eyes, but I just did not feel the same about him. And I knew that if I could not stop him now, the results would be disastrous for both of us… I had to bring distance between us, somehow… I hated what I was doing, but there was no other option left… I started avoiding him, our meetings became less frequent, and even when we did meet, I made sure they were brief. We had shared a cute, flirtatious friendship, but I cut down drastically upon that too – I did all that I could to get him to understand that I was really not interested in him.
And then, I don’t quite know what hit me… perhaps cornered by my avoidance, or by the creeping distance between the two of us, he decided he’d had enough, and he needed to clear out things between the two of us. So he finally came out in the open, and proposed. I was shocked – I’d thought that my behaviour would make him see sense, and he would not go to this extent. But I was wrong, dreadfully wrong…
He caught me unawares. Of course, there was no two ways with my answer – he wanted a life-long relationship. It would be the most important decision of both our lives, and it could not be based upon sympathy alone. I did feel bad for him – I’ve been through the phase of giving up the one I love, and I’d definitely not want anyone else to go through it – least of all a good friend who is dear to me, and most certainly not because of me… but was there anything else that I could have done?
He asked me why I didn’t consider him good enough for me. I really didn’t know how to explain my feelings, my position to him… how could I take such a huge responsibility at a time when my own life is at the peak of uncertainty? How could I, more importantly, make a commitment to him when I myself don’t know if I’ll be able to live up to it? How could I take a chance like this, which would amount to gambling both our lives? Who’d be responsible if tomorrow it doesn’t work out (and there was every possibility of that, as I was unsure about the whole thing myself) and what will happen to our futures???
He says I think with my brain, not my heart, something that he’s not been able to do ever since he started feeling for me. But he doesn’t realize that it was to protect his heart from excruciating pain that I used my brains… He says I don’t bother about or care for him. But he doesn’t realize that if I didn’t, I’d just have taken him for a ride, and left him more desolate than what he is now… He says I was cold and indifferent towards him. But he doesn’t realize that had I not taken that step, things would’ve been worse… He says he’ll regret not having spent enough time with me. But he doesn’t realize that had we started a relationship, only to end it all too soon, there would be so much bitterness that the happy, sweet memories would be washed away… He says he can’t disguise his feelings for me any longer. But he doesn’t realize that if he loses me, I also lose him as a friend, and he’s very precious to me… He says he’ll miss talking to me. But he doesn’t realize that I too will miss that… He says the pain he’s feeling now, is too much for him. But he doesn’t realize that when a relationship is denied, it hurts; but when a relationship breaks, all that remains is pain worth a lifetime… He wishes he could stay single forever. But he doesn’t realize that if he does get married, the woman in his life, his wife, will give him just the companionship, love and understanding that he needs right now…
I want him to find a wonderful bride for himself, for I know from my own life that life goes on – it does not stop even if you lose the person you love the most. If my life can go on without my Dad, without the person I love the most, then so can his… Time is the best healer, and soon he’ll find new reasons to live, enjoy and be happy. Love will eventually happen, and perhaps he’ll find that feeling even more joyous, even more wonderful than what he experienced with me. Because love rests on hope, and though he seems to have lost all hope right now, I’m sure he’ll find it again… and when he does, he’ll find love too!
As for me, though, I’ll feel thoroughly awful about causing so much pain to someone I’ve loved in my own way… about hurting him so much that he feels he’ll never recover. He probably does not realize what I went through… every time I hurt him, I hurt myself twice as much; every time I rebuffed him, I felt much, much worse than him; every time I looked at his pained, crumpled face, I felt as if my heart’s been pierced… I’m told I’m nowhere at fault – even he agrees that I’d not promised anything to him, he’d simply assumed I felt for him – so I should not feel bad about the whole thing. I did not induce him, so I’m not guilty… but people forget, and that includes him, that I’m also a human being, with a pulsating heart, and to see him in pain is not a pretty sight for me as well. I have never wished him ill, come what may, and now that I do see him in pain, supposedly because of me, I do feel sad and responsible. I do ask myself, where and when did I go wrong? What did I do to put him in this situation? My heart, contrary to what he thinks, does seek answers to these hopeless questions, and curses itself silently because there are no answers that it can find…
People tell me that I’m not supposed to feel bad about hurting him, about causing him so much pain – because I didn’t do it intentionally. But someone once correctly said, "Easier said than done"…!!!
Posted by Unknown at 5:47 pm 0 comments
Labels: My Compositions
Posts
