Reality Bites…

23rd March, 2007

I met my best friend after so many years today - and I was so excited about it! Differences in our careers, cities, etc. had been keeping us apart for quite some time… For two people who used to talk almost every day for hours together, not being in touch for over four years is a big deal. And well, today I intended to tell him a lot of things! He told me he’d something special to share with me too, but as much as I kept pestering him, he’d not divulged a word about this ‘secret’! I was curious, and I was scared… I had my fingers crossed…

On my way to the appointed place, my thoughts flew back to my school days. The first time I met him, he was just another face in the crowd. In fact, I’d not even noticed him. My friends dared me to go up and speak to him! He was such a quiet and reserved guy that I was a bit hesitant – but then, it was my honor at stake! So, I went up to him and offered my hand in friendship – and he coolly accepted it! After that, we kept meeting through common friends, outside our school, near our homes, etc. Slowly, we became good friends…

We always had fun at each other’s expense, pulled each other’s legs and irritated each other! We never seemed to agree upon anything – be it some grave political issue or the flavor of ice-cream! We always ended up fighting, to the extent that normal conversations were deemed to be an aberration! The years flew by, but nothing changed. Our friends knew we were very close and teased us incessantly – all of them seemed to think that the two of us were dating each other, and we were just not admitting to it! We’d blush and brush these suggestions away, but still keep fighting! Things reached such an extent that my day would be incomplete without fighting with him. If I didn’t talk to him for even a day my heart would not be in whatever I did. I attributed it to the fact that I did not have my daily quota of fights, and staunchly rebutted the allegations of my friends that I’d grown fond of him.

Unknown to me, he crept into my heart and made a permanent den for himself there. I never realized what I felt for him… So when finally the time came for me to say goodbye to him, for I was to leave our native city to go for higher education, I did not even bother to take his contact details. I thought, what the heck, I can live without him…

When I settled down in the new city where I had joined my new college, I made a lot of new friends. But somehow, I sorely missed him in my life. His place could not be taken by anyone… I realized for the first time how much he meant to me. I wished I had his contact details… I wanted to say so much to him, I wanted to tell him that I’d fallen in love with him, but I didn’t know how to convey my feelings. Every night, I cried myself to sleep, because I missed fighting with him, I missed pulling his leg, I missed irritating him – I missed doing all those things which apparently were done only to irritate each other, but the real reason behind doing them was that it was the only way I knew to convey my feelings to him. He was my best friend, but I also realized that I had unknowingly, unconsciously fallen in love with him.

I wished he was there, in front of me so that I could tell him how I felt, but he was not. There wasn’t even a day, an hour when I didn’t think of him. My new friends realized that there was something eating me from inside, and kept pestering me. Once they found out about him, some suggested finding out his whereabouts, but I didn’t want to. I was happy to be in love, but I didn’t want to think that there were two possibilities – he might love me, but he might not, too. I was happy that I was in love… it was a beautiful feeling. There were times when I terribly missed the sharing, the companionship, the sweet nothings that people in love felt and enjoyed. But I thought I could do without them. He was always there in my thoughts, and what better companionship could I ask for?

Slowly, painfully, time passed, and finally I came back home. Through the years I had heard bits and pieces of news about him. But I wanted to see him again, to hear all about him in his own words… I wanted to hear that he’d missed me as much as I’d missed him… I wanted to hear that he loves me as much as I love him… So, I called at his home, and found out his whereabouts. I was delighted to find him at home, and he sounded delighted to hear from me too – and that was enough for me! This meeting was his suggestion, and I readily agreed to it…

When I finally reached the restaurant where we’d fixed our meeting up, I found him already waiting for me. The very sight of him sent my heart into a spin! God, I loved him so much… I had so much to tell him! His face lit up as he saw me, and very soon we got talking and fighting like old times!

And then, suddenly, he turned serious. He said there was something that he wanted to tell me… something in his face bade ill, but I tried my best to ignore the creeping chill in my heart. But fate seems to have different plans for me – for he told me that he’s in love…

My heart broke. The rational side of me knew that since I had never told him how I felt, I should accept what happened. But my heart cried. While he described exactly how he felt for her, and how much he loved her, I felt as if someone had sliced my heart up… As much as I tried, I couldn’t keep a straight face, and I think he noticed it too – for he faltered, and after some time, changed the topic.

When I got back home, after spending the whole day putting up a smiling face for people around me, who evidently failed to notice that my heart was heavy with unrequited love and unsaid words, I fell into my bed with tears streaming down my face.

I know I’ve to face reality. I’ve to face life. He’s my first love and will always be, but I realized that life has other things in store for me. In any case, he’s happy with the girl he loves, and he deserves to be loved by her. I cannot cause misery to the one I love by imposing myself upon him, or even by telling him how much I love him, or how I feel about him… My love may be one-sided, but it is true love – and true love values the happiness of the loved one more.

I know that mine is not a lost love; it will always be there in my heart. If it has survived for a decade, it will last forever, as long as I live. It’s just that I have to move ahead in life, in a different direction, away from him. Life has much more to offer. I do want to move on, be happy and maybe meet someone, someday, whom I would love and who’d love me too. It’s tough, it’s difficult, but I’m ready. I’m ready to face life, to face reality.