Some Random Ramblings…

07th March, 2007

When the day dawned upon me today, it seemed to be a perfectly ordinary, just another normal day – when I’d work out a bit, study a bit, shop a bit, finish a bit of my pending errands… And I began the day accordingly!

Its afternoon now, and nothing out of the ordinary has happened still – except for my decision not to go to the gym, to skip breakfast in favor of a sumptuous lunch, and to sit to write about the day…

There’s nothing out of the ordinary to write though. Actually, I myself don’t know why this sudden urge to write overwhelmed me! Was it the soft spring breeze that ruffled my unruly hair and whispered sweet melodies into my ears? Or was it the sudden realization that my days in this beautiful city were numbered? Or was it because of the sudden yearning that captured my heart, an aching desire to be in the arms of someone who loves me?

Honestly, I don’t know… All I know is that there is an aching sadness in my heart, and an unfathomable void in my life that I can’t explain…

There is nothing extraordinary about the day, I keep reminding myself. Why then does my heart rebel and say, ‘today is special’? Why do I feel so different from the other days? Why does my heart give little skips every now and then, and sing melodies quite unknown to me?

The strings of my heart are weaving a mystifying tune… it sounds happy at first… all at once it turns into a melancholic mood… it tries to say something, but I can’t understand it’s language… Strange, isn’t it? When I stop to think, it is sad… Here is a woman, who does not understand the desires of her own heart!!

All of a sudden, a tear drop forms in my left eye, and rolls slowly down my cheek. I’m crying… but why? I don’t know… Maybe my eye understands the language of my heart, maybe she understands its pain… and she’s crying because it pains her to see my anguished heart…

I try to hazard a guess… What is it that is ailing my heart? I close my eyes and try to look into my heart… and a terrific scene reveals itself. My heart tells me that it has given up on life… it has nothing more to live for, it has lost the purpose for which it existed… it is pining to give something away to someone, but it can’t, for I have forbidden it to attempt any such thing…

In one remote corner of my heart, I’d once hidden a small but precious treasure, something that was meant to be given away to someone else, but I could never give it away – for I was afraid. Afraid, that if I give the lovely treasure away, I might not get anything in return! In my haste to preserve the treasure, I forgot that this isn’t like other worldly treasures… giving this treasure away is the only way of appreciating and enjoying it. Each and every one of us is blessed with this treasure, but we can’t appreciate the value of it ourselves. The treasure can only be valued if it is given away, can only be appreciated by someone other than you. If you hide it away in a secluded corner of your heart, like me, unclaimed and unappreciated, you’ll slowly lose that treasure, until it vanishes altogether from your life. When that happens, your heart will pine and pine for it, and finally will give up on life… for the heart can never survive without that treasure!

And when your heart gives up on the spirit of life, that’s when it whips up this exquisite, melancholic tune – to remind you one last time that God meant you to give the treasure away…

Can you guess what that treasure is? Yes, it is ‘love’… My heart wants me to love someone, and to be loved in return… It wants to share itself with someone… It is yearning to uncover itself to someone who’ll soothe its pains… It is lonely, and it tells me that it wants a partner… Perhaps that is why even my eyes don’t cry in unison…

I’m scared to do the bidding of my heart. I’m sacred of loving anyone. Scared of losing the one I will love. Scared that I’ll not be loved in return. Scared that my fragile heart will end up broken into pieces… I’m scared of loving anyone…

But I’m also scared of losing the treasure of my love forever. Scared of keeping my heart lonely any longer. Scared of living my life all by myself. Scared of not having anyone by my side when I need him the most… I’m scared of not loving anyone too…

Is there a solution to my dilemma? I’m still searching for the answer…