A Chat with Sameer

Sunday, 24th Sept. '06

I had a strange experience today. After the discussion on my birthday with Mom n Dad about Prithvi, I was confused and lost. And you know me - I’m forever dependant on Sameer for all sorts of emotional advice! He’s the one whom I can completely trust and open myself up to… But Prithvi’s is one topic which I was quite hesitant about discussing with him… he’d always had a thing against Prithvi… But after all, Sameer is my best friend, and I know he’s the best person to talk to… he knows me inside out, and he’ll give me the best advice. So I decided to catch up with him today, and give it a shot… if he behaved normally, I thought, I’ll have a chat with him…!

So, we’d been to his favourite haunt, Indradhanush – sweets-freak that he is! After the usual exchange of “pleasantries” about how busy the other one is, and how we both ignore the other one (read, “Allegations”, “Choicest of abuses”, “Hurtful and sarcastic comments”!) we finally got talking about the thing that was eating into my peace of mind...

Sameer kinda had a hint already. He’d seen my parents conduct themselves with Prithvi, and he knew what was going on in their minds. When I confided in him about my confusion, to my great surprise, he asked me, “What’s the harm in getting married to Prithvi?”!

Honestly, I was a bit shaken up by his response. Sameer loves me. However much he tries to do deny it, I know he does. And he knows very, very well that I love him too. Sameer always had a thing against Prithvi, and despite his not-so-convincing attempts at hiding it from me, I could understand the reason behind it. Like Anu, Mallika and the rest of the gang, he also teased me about Prithvi at times, but whenever I gave a little more attention to Prithvi than to him, he’d get upset. He’d get jealous. And he’d take it out on me in small ways. And if, by any chance, I praised Prithvi for any reason, he’d go out of his way to point out all the negative points that Prithvi has!

The same guy, today, tells me to get married to Prithvi? Unbelievable! I guess I have a very good reason to be shaken!

Of course, not to let anything happen between Sameer and me was my decision. I wanted to make sure that I don’t do anything to upset Mom n Dad, and they never approved of our relationship. They had their reasons, and I’m inclined to think that they were right. Practical concerns are more pressing than immature romanticizing of life.

That however didn’t mean we’d stop loving each other. I still love him as deeply as ever. And he still loves me too; I can see it in his eyes. Sameer’s feelings for me still haven’t changed, and neither have mine. And I know that if our love has survived in our hearts for a decade, it will last us this lifetime… I know that in fact, our love has grown more beautiful than before, because our love doesn’t expect anything in return, it exists simply because we do…

But today, I realized that Sameer has indeed moved on in life! I don’t know whom to thank for this – does the credit go to Pari, for showing him that there’s more to life and that he should go on? Or should I simply thank God, for taking such good care of him, and leading him towards happiness again?

Sameer has come to terms with reality, but I perhaps still haven’t. I know nothing’s possible between the two of us, and I appreciate the fact that Sameer now has Pari to answer to… But the way he’s realized that we have to go our own different ways, in separate directions, makes me wonder...

Today, he was simply trying to tell me that it was time for me to move on too. That I too, should give myself another chance to live, may be with Prithvi… But I can’t deny that it sounded strange to my ears… I felt as if I’d lost something… When Sameer dropped me back home, I felt a strange sense of emptiness…

Sameer says Prithvi is indeed a good choice, and my parents would be happy too if it takes shape… He says I should take conscious steps towards making this work out… I understand what he says, but I can’t take it in… I can’t deny that perhaps it’s because I have not managed to move on yet that I’ve not had another relationship after Sameer. But how do I explain this to you? I just can’t find it in myself to get into something like this yet again, although there is complete acceptance of the situation…

I don’t know what name I can give to this feeling of mine… When Sameer today freed me from all romantic involvement with him, it hurt... I know it shouldn’t have, but it did… and that’s perhaps why people say, Love is Blind! And the heart does not follow logic…