Friday, February 29, 2008

Unnamed Agonies...

27th February, 2008
With every passing moment of every passing day
That I spend with you my Angel,
I drown deeper and deeper
Into the fathomless ocean of your love.
I know I shouldn't. I know,
I should just let go - right here, right now...
I know I should set you free,
And you, me... because at the end of it all,
We'll just be two more of those
Nameless, faceless lovers...
Who trudge the dreary path of life in a vain search
Of their lost love...
And yet, I can't stop loving you,
I can't let go as yet...
Who cares about how much I'll lose
In the uncertain future, when I'm so much in love now?
Who cares about the pain I'll suffer,
When such a pure, glorius, blissful life is my present?
No. Definitely not me...
I simply can't give you up, my Angel...
I know I'll have to, one day soon enough.
But, for now, I'll pretend that one day is far, far away...
Just for now, let me hold on to you
As tight as I can. Prolong it, as long as I can.
For if you haven't still realised it my Angel,
I really love you a lot...

The Confession… A Short Story

8th January, 2008

Sneha started telling Armaan about the letter at a very vulnerable moment. Although she knew it wasn’t necessary: Armaan would forgive her anyway. No, she was not afraid of losing him. It was just that she felt like talking about it at that very time, when she was confident that Armaan would give her the best of what he had.

Armaan was shocked. She’d expected that. But she also knew that he would not judge her until she told him everything. So she expected the astounded silence to be followed by a spate of questions. And she was right.

“Why Sneha?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I wasn’t thinking straight. Or maybe I wasn’t thinking at all… I myself don’t know why I did it…”

“What happened?”


As she started telling him all about it, Sneha felt herself transported back to the first days of her friendship with Somesh. If she said that his friendship was not dear to her, Sneha would be lying. Somesh was a very nice guy, and the two of them had much in common. Sneha enjoyed his company immensely. She cared for him. And she liked him a lot.

But that was it. She liked him purely as a friend.

Initially, his sentiments towards Sneha were also the same. Somesh and Sneha had spent some truly memorable times with each other. They both loved being together. Over the time, though, Somesh changed. Sneha realized that he just wasn’t the same friendly guy any more. The hints of wanting something more than just friendship grew quite insistent, but she chose to ignore the intuitive signals that were gnawing at her heart. She did not want to lose his friendship. More importantly, she did not want to hurt him. Distraught, she started searching for ways to tell him that they had no future together.

It was not as if Somesh did not know about Armaan. She’d told him about Armaan on countless occasions: about how much she loved him, about how badly she missed him, and about what Armaan meant to her.

But somehow, Somesh just could not control the desires of his heart. He did not want to cause a crack in her relationship with Armaan. But at the same time, he could not help expressing his desire for her.

Armaan asked her why she did not severe all contacts with Somesh at that point. Sneha could not explain. She loved Somesh in her own way. She was not someone who befriended people easily, and once befriended, she could not let go of them easily. And Somesh was a very adored, loved and cherished friend of hers. She did not want to lose him. She did not want to hurt him, for fear of losing him.

She could not say “yes” to him, because she was already madly in love with Armaan. She could not make her “no” firm enough either, because it broke her heart to disappoint him.

Gradually, Sneha’s twin desires had begun to wear her out. Somesh started losing his cool too. So they fought – over things that appeared small to him, but were significant to her… over things which were trivial to her, but utterly important to him. Where there was a sweet, understanding friendship between the two, there now reigned only animosity and misunderstandings. Where there was happiness, anger and heartache held sway. And then came a time when they both started ignoring, avoiding each other.

The physical distances between them did nothing to improve matters. Sitting in two different corners of the country, they virtually had no way of sorting things out. For all the help that cell phones and emails were, they usually managed to convey quite different meanings than what was intended. When communication between them came to a stand still for months at a stretch, Sneha actually thought that their friendship had come to an end. There was no hope of reviving it. But she wanted to give it one last shot.

With great trepidation, but a faint ray of hope in her heart, Sneha decided to meet him for one last time, in a last ditch attempt to save the friendship. Quite to her surprise though, Somesh spoke to her like old times, and together they planned a dinner at his place. She could not deny it – Sneha was ecstatic!

Things went on quite smoothly during the dinner. Much to her joy, Sneha found the old fun and companionship back in their friendship. Soon, the watch lay forgotten by their side, and they were swapping tales like old times! She did not even realize that it was well past mid night, and that she was supposed to have left long back. When she did notice the time, it was too late to leave.

In fact, she would not have noticed the time still, had it not been for the sudden change in Somesh’s behaviour. Subtle, yet certain. Her heart skipped a beat. She tried to bring the situation back to normalcy, but by then, the air had changed. At that moment, Sneha knew that it was hopeless, that she had no power to stop him tonight.

He said he did not want her just out of physical desire. It was “the way he felt” for her. And that he was just listening to his heart, not logic. That he himself didn’t know what he wanted out of this, or whether he should term this to be a one-night-stand. And also that she should not submit to him just because he wanted her.

There was so much that she wanted to tell Somesh at that moment. But words failed her. She could never give voice to her feelings for Somesh. But she wanted to tell Armaan, for she knew that Armaan loved her far, far beyond what Somesh did. And Armaan wouldn’t judge her. He would understand.

Why did she give in to Somesh, even though she did not want to? Why did she do something that was squarely against her lifelong principles? She didn’t know how to justify or defend what she did, or what happened that night. She didn’t even know whether it was right or wrong. She just knew that she had breached her own principles. She had broken her beloved Armaan’s trust. Yet, her heart felt no burden of guilt… She had, indeed, listened to her heart. And her heart had told her that she should make Somesh happy, just this once.

So she allowed him to pleasure her.

But from the moment he touched her, she felt violated. She could not respond to his strokes, his caresses or his kisses… she felt no desire for him, no pleasure in what she was doing. And yet, she did not ask him to let go of her. He stroked her, caressed her and kissed her some more, and took every pleasure that she had to offer to a man. And it felt like a dream-come-true experience to Somesh… but for Sneha, it was a nightmare.

But she allowed him. She thought that once it was over, she could get him out of her system… she thought she’d no longer think about it. But that was not to be. Day in and day out, she found herself thinking about that night, the injustice she’d done to Armaan. And about Somesh’s voice, dripping with love. Somesh’s words rang in her ears. The burden of guilt weighed upon her at times… at others, her heart was full of a light feeling, much like the one which invades the heart when you do something good.

Torn between the plethora of emotions, Sneha realized that if she were to retain her sanity, she would have to tell Armaan about the night of passion with Somesh, and tell Somesh about why exactly she had done whatever she did that night.

She knew talking to Somesh would make things a lot more difficult. So she wrote a letter to him. And Armaan… she could talk to. So, here she was, pouring her heart out to Armaan.

“I’m sorry Armaan… I know what I did was wrong. But I could not stop myself. Perhaps I was weak, perhaps I wasn’t thinking straight… I know I could’ve stopped him if I wanted to… but I could not. I’m sorry about that”, Sneha pleaded. “Will you please forgive me Armaan? You know I love you and only you…”

Armaan could not speak… Sneha’s tear streaked face was looking up at him… Her eyes were full of an unspoken fear of losing him, her trembling lips pleading for his reassuring kiss…

He loved her. And at that moment, he loved her a lot more.

“I can’t deny that I’m shocked Sneha… but I can’t also deny that I’d perhaps be a lot more upset if you hadn’t told me this yourself. But are you sure that you don’t feel anything for Somesh?”

“Of course not Armaan. He’s just a friend. I love you Armaan, only you…”

At that precise moment, Armaan chose to put all her fears to rest. He gently wrapped her in his arms, slowly wiped the tears from her soft, pink cheeks, and started to kiss her trembling lips, as if to say, “I love you Sneha… and I can’t live without you…”

The Letter… A Short Story

4th January, 2008

Dear Somesh,

For quite sometime now, I’ve been debating with myself. Should I bare my heart to you? Or should I keep it to myself, all that I want you to know? You always endorse following the heart, don’t you? So here you go – I’m following my heart, and writing to you.

You already know I want to talk about that night of passion we shared, don’t you? Good – I can skip the painful introductions…

I had so much to tell you that night. At every stage, at every point, I wanted to speak my mind out, but I bit those words back… Frankly, it is not at all clear to me too why I chose silence. Maybe I should actually have spoken.

Nevertheless, better late than never.

There is something that I’ve always wanted to ask you. What is it exactly that you feel for me? Your feelings for me have confused me for long. Would you term it as love? Or is it just a weakness, or maybe a soft corner? Or is it a mere physical desire? You mentioned that night, “its not just sex”. Then what is it really? You meant you feel something special for me. What is it that you feel?

I could sense you emanating a pulsing desire for me. I knew it was coming ever since you had started inching closer to me, and Heaven knows I was feeling as helpless as a kitten at that time. Possibly you’ve never realized, but at times like this, when you feel that “something special” for me, your body language, your way of speaking to me, your way of looking at me – everything changes. Your voice oozes love, and you talk to me as if you want to engulf me in your arms. If I can feel it from your voice, can you imagine how strong those vibes must be?!

You were right in a way – I couldn’t sleep because of you. Those strong vibes emanating from your persona were actually forcing me to keep awake. You were snuggling into my shoulder, wrapping your arm around my waist, entwining your legs with mine – I could not really have slept, could I? I was feeling the slow but certain progress, but I just could not understand how to dam it.

I did try to hold myself back. I stopped you once. But your dismayed, pained withdrawal pierced my heart. You will not understand why I feel bad whenever I rebuff you and your advances. You perhaps don’t even believe that I do feel bad while doing such things. But the truth is that I’m not made of stone.

I count very few people as my friends – and those whom I do count as friends, mean a lot to me. I love my friends a lot. As I’ve told you earlier, and I’m telling you again – I count you as a friend. Nobody likes hurting or disappointing a person he/she loves. If your beloved best friend asks for something, and you can’t give it to him, you won’t be feeling too happy about it, will you? I too don’t feel like denying you what you want. It hurts me to hurt you again and again.

To add to my woes, you felt that sleeping on different beds would be the best solution. Was that your idea of tying to make me feel better? Honestly, I felt it was your way of striking an open wound. I was already feeling terrible about having pushed you away so mercilessly, and your actions suggested that you feel I don’t trust you!

I wondered, and I still do: why did you want to make love to me that night? “It’s not just about sex. It’s the way I am feeling about you right now.” I so wanted to ask you, “What is it that you feel for me?” For you have told me earlier that you don’t “love” me. Then what is it that you feel for me that makes you want to make love to me?

I have always felt that you never wanted a “one-night-stand” with me. You desired much, much more – and something much more lasting.

But you knew that we don’t have a future together. Was it because of this knowledge that you wanted this to be a one-night-stand? You did not answer that question. All you said was that at times, we should just listen to our hearts, and not seek answers to everything. And that “it’s not just about sex”.

When you asked my permission the second time to go ahead, I could only tell you not to have any further expectations. I could not stop you. I did not have the heart to deny that permission. For once, I really wanted to make you happy. Remember you asked if I was letting you have your way with me only because you wanted it? To a certain extent, it was actually because of your desires that I gave in, but to a certain extent it was for me too.

I am happily in love with someone else, and you know that. Of course, I wouldn’t want to have a relationship, or even a one-night-stand, with anyone else. But I gave in to you, and I allowed you to have me for the night, even though I knew I would never be able to enjoy it. And I don’t feel guilty about it. Do you know why?

Let’s go back to the example of your beloved best friend asking for something from you, which you can’t give him. What is the next best thing that you will do for him? You’ll try to make it up by doing something else, or giving something else to him, just to make him feel somewhat better.

That one night of passion was the next best thing that I could offer you.

It is after all a man’s love that makes a woman beautiful. And as much as it may hurt you, I’m beautiful because of Armaan. You know that.

Your friend,